these last few days

I have been spending a lot of my time with Jesus talking out loud. A lot of the time I'm expressing my frustrations. Sometimes I feel like I'm begging Him to help me out...but I don't need to beg, do I? I haven't been sensing God's love very strongly but I have a strong belief that it surrounds me and so I tell God that I believe it again, and again, and again in hopes that the thinking and speaking will bring about the feeling.

I am loving Deuteronomy. Chapter 7 is about holiness. It's about how God chose the Israelites out of aaaaalllllll the nations in the wold to be His. Verse 6 says, "For you are a holy people who belong to the Lord your God. Of all the people on earth, the Lord your God has chosen you to be his own special treasure." That's me, that's you. We are treasures of the King. Talk about value and worth...
Verses 21&22 say, "No, do not be afraid of those nations, for the Lord your God is among you, and he is a great and awesome God. The Lord your God will drive those nations out ahead of you little by little. You will not clear them away all at once, otherwise the wild animals would multiply too quickly for you." I can relate. There are some "nations" in my heart and life that only the strength of the Lord can conquer. So, patience for the journey and trust that God is ahead of my thoughts and feelings and doings. Hallelujah.

March 20 and 21

Yesterday, my Bible reading began with Isaiah 55--Invitation to the Thirsty. I highlighted verses that meant something to me:

+55:8-9: "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

I needed this reminder. Just because I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel does not mean I am not in His perfect plan. He is holding me. He sees and knows it all. I must rest in Him and know that He has everything in control. So, verse 12 came perfectly: "You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and the hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees will clap their hands." How beautiful! We need to let go of our chains and learn to rejoice in His freedom, for He has already won all our battles!!

Today (March 21) I read about True Fasting. I wasn't that interested--Isaish 58 started off by talking about the wrong kind of fasting. But then God shifts it to the proper fasting:

58: 6: "Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke? ...

(vs. 8) Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your Righteous One will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard. Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here I am."

This is what I needed. I'm waiting for my light to burst out but it is only through Him that that will happen. Praise God.

jarred

clatterBONK.

Bike flies out in front of me, booty hits the ground.

Realize I'm sitting on the cold and wet sidewalk. hhhhmmmmmaaahhh take a deep breath.

Oh hey pride, nice to see you sitting right here next to me on the ground.

Body and bike and enthusiasm, all a bit jarred.

Speaking of jars, I would really like to jar up some gelato, some of these good ol' feelings that have been going on, and some particular laughs so that I can put them on a shelf and visit every so often. BUT you people (CHELSEA KAY) will not be contained in jars! Or put on shelves! You're in my heart and around me always!

We ate lunch sitting on wooden benches around a wooden table. A basket of fresh cut bread sat in the middle of the table and flies buzzed around every now and again. The (mostly eggplant) buffet was rich in oil and salt. Outside were couples and men enjoying a slow lunch or cigarette. I wouldn't go back, but I'd do it again.

The approach of the holidays always has this funny effect on me. It's deeper and bigger and richer and more real with every year. I think it's because with each year my heart finds new places to be pulled when away. What could God possibly feel and think and know on a daily basis? I want to fly south and hold Hidaya against my chest. I want to talk with her, laugh with her, make faces at her. I want her to know that she is loved by ME. And God's love is a bajillion times the meager amount I have in my heart. OH THAT'S WHY HE SENT JESUS BECAUSE HE COULDN'T KEEP AWAY. "Rejoice, rejoice, Emmanuel shall come to thee oh Israel." !!! I'm getting it...little by little.

thoughts make moments too

The weather has been the same as El Segundo up until a week ago, maybe. It's getting colder and colder. I'm getting colder and colder. I don't have a lot of clothes with me. I packed with the intention of buying warm clothes here. I can't do it. Lindsay and I went to H&M yesterday afternoon and I was looking for pants. I have one pair of jeans that I'm wearing on a daily basis and riding the bike is wearing them down, so new leg coverings are completely practical. I told Lindsay I was in a funk while we were browsing and she responded with something about shopping therapy. I wished!! The store was left empty handed and my jeans crotch has a few more busted threads.

The funk has continued. I think that's fair because I'm thinking this:  Angwin-Grizzly Flats-El Segundo-Usa River-El Segundo-Grizzly Flats-El Segundo-Palermo. School-camp-home-AFRICAvolunteeringlearningliving-homeforasec-camp-home-Italywhat. Questions-questions-doubts-tears-laughs-answers?-questions-questions-questions.... I don't know what my normal life is. I know how to settle into a normal routine in a temporary situation. Perhaps the important thing is knowing my heart and my steadfast God with his steadfast love and steadfast approach to this world and people that change but never really change all that much.

a canadian, brit, and american walked into a gelateria....

Ohh GELATO. What can I do with you? I like you best in pistacchio and sette tentazioni. But sometimes I feel the need to be different. Never straying from something chocolately. Oh no no no. Mr. Scooper-of-my-first-but-not-last-cone-of-the-day, thank you for being so patient with me as I tried with all of my tastebuds to imagine anything but my favorites lingering in my boca this afternoon. You did throw your hands up in the air just a little bit when I said I was still deciding but then we laughed together as I tried to balance my cone and my wallet. Thanks for zipping up the pocket for my coins and sharing mouth smiles and eye smiles and creamery goodness with me.

toilet yodeling.

Maybe a month ago I taught Silvia the famous yodeling ostrich song. What a hit! Tonight while she was sitting on the pot she decided that would be her activity of choice (sometimes it's dolls other times it's coloring). This was too good to let pass without being a part of so I took the clothes I was folding with me into the bathroom. We sang together. "OOOOOOOOHHHHHH an ostrich went yodeling on a mountain so high HEY when along came a Silvia interrupting his cry. YOOOOODEEELAAAAY yodelahkeekee yodelahkookoo kookoo PLOP." ....

I was pleased to find out that when a Danielle came interrupting his cry she did it by holding her belly and laughing. I like it here!